I’ve been drinking copious amounts. I often think it will help me numb the thought of you. I can’t get high anymore, it gives too much anxiety, the same anxiety I get thinking about how many miles away your hands are from my body. I don’t remember anything without you. I don’t remember our days together very vividly, I use to remember small components like the temperature of the weather and how many times we kissed that day. Now, I can barely remember how your facial hair felt and the way you smell.
I just woke up from a dream where my teeth were constantly falling out.
How I tend to contradict myself.
But doesn’t everyone?
I feel as if from as a child I was always trying to be something I am not. A princess, a mermaid, a boy. I was always trying to better myself, make myself into something ‘more’. But what needs to be more?
I have never been fully satisfied with my being. I was trying to be a carbon copy of all of these beautiful scenes and people. And still to this day, I find myself doing this. Something I have always struggled with. I contradict myself. I love myself. I am beautiful one minute. I hate myself. I am this monster the next minute.
Is it normal? To hate every inch of your fibers and fabrics? Perhaps it’s just the way media has constructed our minds. To contradict ourselves. To love ourselves one minute, pick up a magazine or scroll through tumblr to see these erroneous lifestyles and advertisements, to hating ourselves, picking at our skin and pulling our hair to make ourselves homogeneous to these so called normalities. These pictures we see of these beautiful couples and beautiful people struggle with the same abomination within themselves. Photoshop and smiles are a deceiving thing. It’s up to us to not fall into these traps and to start realizing the world and media is not the way it advertises itself to be most of the time, not everything is beautiful and simplistic. It is problematic and complex as we are. We must be able to accept this. I want to accept this, for my flaws and my beauty.